In The End
by Goddess Isa
Summary: Angel and Buffy have it out when they meet now that she’s back


TITLE: In The End  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: Angel and Buffy have it out when they meet now that she's back  
SPOILER: Everything but NO Riley, no Fred flirtation and NO Cordelia flirting. EVER. :)  
RATING: TV-PG  
DISTRIBUTION: http://planetslaythis.homestead.com  
DISCLAIMER: Joss owns 'em. Joss sucks. The song belongs to Linkin Park.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks to Krissy for sending me these lyrics months ago. I take time, but I get the idea out there :)  
11/14/01  
  
  
  
"You look beautiful," I said in a quiet voice.  
  
She did, too. Her hair was darker now, almost light brown with just a tingle of blonde highlights. Her clothes were different, too. Muted colors, gray, navy, pale pink. They didn't suit her. For a minute, I wondered if her natural hair color had returned only because she'd been....where she had been. I didn't dare ask.  
  
I didn't ask a lot of the questions to which he wanted answers. Why, how, when, where, why....there were too many to ever ask, even if I could, which I knew he couldn't.  
  
So I took a step closer, and she did the same. Soon, I was holding her, and it felt right. It felt like home.  
  
"How are you?" Buffy asked, pulling away. She couldn't meet my eyes and she looked different, somehow. Not just the clothes and the hair, but something else. Something emotional.  
  
She seemed lost, lonely. This was a Broken Buffy, not the one I'd fallen in love with.  
  
"I'm living. Or not," I made a face. I hate when I say things like that. "How are you?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "Getting used to being Me again."  
  
"You sure?" I asked warily. I could read her like a book—I knew when things weren't right—when she needed to get everything that was weighing her down out into the open. I also knew that she wouldn't budge unless I absolutely forced her to do so.  
  
She shrugged again, her eyes closing. "I guess I'm just tired."  
  
Sensing that she needed it, I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head. She crumbled against me, loud sobs escaping even though she had buried her face in my chest.  
  
"It won't go away," she whispered. "All the hurt and the doubt and everyone wanting me to do things their way....it won't stop."  
  
"I'll make it stop," I promised, even though I couldn't be clear if she needed her friends to stop worrying about her now that she was back, or if she needed to forget what she'd been through while she was gone.  
  
"You can't," Buffy pulled away and rubbed her eyes furiously, smearing her eyeliner and mascara. "You can't make it stop, you can't make me feel better. You just can't."  
  
"Tell me why," I took a step towards her and realized that if she was going to keep backing away and I was going to follow her, pretty soon we'd be pinned against a wall. Not that it would be so bad, but it's not time yet. It may never be time for us.   
  
I've been struggling with that since I found out that she was back. What does this mean? She's alive, but she's staying in Sunnydale as Super Buffy? I don't need anyone, I don't want any help?  
  
Or is she here to find me again? To restart what we stupidly let slip through our fingers. How important am I to her, really? Where do we stand?  
  
She gave me my answer within seconds.   
  
"I didn't come here for you," Buffy said in a firm voice. Her eyes were cold and unfeeling, and her arms were folded across her chest like they'd been that day in my office at the old building. She'd come to hurt me, and she'd done it with a few words that cut like knives. Stakes. You know what I mean.  
  
"I came for me," Buffy continued. "I needed to see you one last time, and now that I have, I can deal with it. I can move forward and go on with my life."  
  
I couldn't speak. I was numb and my legs were trembling. I reached for the wall to steady myself, and slowly, I began to speak.  
  
"Why do you do this to me?" I asked. "Why come here? Just to hurt me?"  
  
"Angel, I needed to come for myself."  
  
"It's always about you, isn't it?" I wanted to scream at her, wanted to throw her up against the wall and make love to her until the world ended.  
  
"You don't know what it was like," she said quietly.  
  
"Don't I? Remember the time I spent in Hell? You sent me there, Buffy. And still, I forgave you. Don't you get it? I love you. That's all that matters to me. You."  
  
"It isn't enough."  
  
"What isn't?"  
  
"Love," Buffy said flatly. "It's not enough."  
  
"That's ridiculous."  
  
"Is it?" she asked. "If I dated....say, Spike—"  
  
"Spike?" I spat. "You're into Spike now?"  
  
"God no," Buffy said quietly, eyes on the floor, lips trembling. All signs that she was lying to me.  
  
I should've seen it coming. Should've smelled him on her.  
  
Spike. Damn him.  
  
"If I dated Spike," Buffy repeated, "It could be normal. We could kiss and we could fuck and it wouldn't change a damn thing. The world would keep turning—"  
  
"And he could drink from you and turn you before you could even think about grabbing a stake."  
  
"Know-It-All-Angel," Buffy said disgustedly. "Always ready to swoop in and be my hero. It's nauseating."  
  
"I'm not swooping in and being your anything! Pardon me for being in love with you!"  
  
"In love?" Buffy actually cackled. "In love? What are we, on Dawson's Creek?"  
  
"All a game to you, isn't it?" I sounded a lot madder than I wanted to, even though I was furious. She didn't deserve it after all she'd been through, whether she'd come back from Hell a Superbitch or not.  
  
"Games are your thing, Angel. Not mine."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"You think I don't know?" she asked. "About Darla and the nasty sex? About the Forgotten Day? About how the only reason you left in the first place was so you wouldn't piss off my mom?"  
  
"You wouldn't believe what I know, Angel. Four words could blow your mind."  
  
"Try me."  
  
She stepped up to me and glared into my eyes. "I. Don't. Love. You."  
  
And then we were going at it. Rough kisses, pinching fingers, ripped clothing. I took her on the floor and she loved every minute of it. She craved it, I could tell, and that was exactly why it wouldn't work.  
  
This isn't me, this animal getting it on with Buffy. This is the man she wants me to be, the man that Spike is. But it's not me.  
  
And that's why I get up when we're done, and I leave, without another word.  
  
In the end, she wants a bad boy. That's what she always wanted, and what she thought she had in me before.  
  
In the end, the love we had doesn't even matter.  
  
  
//It starts with one thing   
  
I don't know why   
  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try   
  
Keep that in mind   
  
I designed this rhyme   
  
To explain in due time   
  
  
All I know   
  
Time is a valuable thing   
  
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings   
  
Watch it count down to the end of the day   
  
The clock ticks life away   
  
It's so unreal   
  
  
Didn't look out below   
  
Watch the time go right out the window   
  
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know   
  
Wasted it all just to watch you go   
  
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart   
  
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when   
  
  
I tried so hard   
  
And got so far   
  
But in the end   
  
It doesn't even matter   
  
I had to fall   
  
To lose it all   
  
But in the end   
  
It doesn't even matter   
  
  
One thing, I don't know why   
  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try   
  
Keep that in mind   
  
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time   
  
I tried so hard   
  
In spite of the way you were mocking me   
  
Acting like I was part of your property   
  
  
Remembering all the times you fought with me   
  
I'm surprised it got so (far)   
  
Things aren't the way they were before   
  
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore   
  
Not that you knew me back then   
  
But it all comes back to me (in the end)   
  
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart   
  
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I   
  
I tried so hard   
  
And got so far   
  
But in the end   
  
It doesn't even matter   
  
I had to fall   
  
To lose it all   
  
But in the end   
  
It doesn't even matter   
  
  
I've put my trust in you   
  
Pushed as far as I can go   
  
And for all this   
  
There's only one thing you should know   
  
I tried so hard   
  
And got so far   
  
But in the end   
  
It doesn't even matter   
  
I had to fall   
  
To lose it all   
  
But in the end   
  
It doesn't even matter\\ 


End file.
